8dp2dt

aka: 10dpo, the time when I start to get anxious.

So many waves of hope and discouragement. One minute I am sure this time worked, the next minute I am sure it didn't. Other than a few vivid dreams, I am feeling no symptoms. I had some period type cramping yesterday, but I also had some gas pain so I am not sure which was which and when. I want this so badly. But I am so afraid that I can't have it. Just a few more days of waiting. In less than 96 hours, I will know.

5DP2DT

or 7 days past ovulation/retrieval.

Feeling all sorts of little things in my body. Tired, hungry, mild cramping and a lot of bloating. Every one of these things could mean something good, or they could mean nothing at all. That is the evil thing about the progesterone shots. (Well besides the constant soreness of the injection sites) The side effects are very similar to pregnancy or an oncoming new cycle. As if the 2 week wait isn't stressful enough.

So today I am halfway through said 2WW and last IVF cycle, I got a call from a nurse at the RE's office to see how I was doing. Nothing this time. Or at least no call as of yet. I guess 2 cycles makes me a pro. ha!

3dp2dt

Translated is 3 days past 2 day transfer....

Embryo transfer was only 3 days ago and I am bored staying home. I go back to work on Thursday so I have been trying to do a little more each day. I think I overdid it a bit yesterday - my first non all day resting day. I was quilting a queen size quilt so I had to deal with ironing it and trying to maneuver it through the sewing machine. It was heavy and awkward but I just couldn't sit still anymore. I didn't do much else but did spend about 5 hours quilting. I had some cramping and a little brown spotting. I called the doctor's office and the nurse said it was normal and a good sign.

Today I took the dog for a light walk. It felt so nice to actually leave my condo! I made some cookies for IJ and I sewed the trim on the quilt so that I can start the hand sewing today. Now I am relaxing with some lunch.

Still have a little cramping and now I don't want the cramping to stop. I am feeling very different this cycle. Feeling a lot more this cycle which makes sense because I got twice the eggs this time. I am technically 5 days passed ovulation and this is about the time when an embryo (or 2) can implant. So I welcome all of these twinges that are giving me hope. I want this so badly, more than I have admitted to myself previously. I think I have kept questioning if I want this in order to not get let down if it doesn't work. I am not a big fan of disappointment.

So I press on through this awful 2 week wait. But I welcome the awful because at the end, it will be pure joy when I get those positive beta results.

Embabies on board!

Embryo transfer was this morning. We put in "2 excellent embryos". The RE looked back at our report from the last transfer and said these are definitely better. They are both 4 cell and one has very even cells. The other is a little less perfect in cell shape, but still great. We have 2 others that they will continue to grow but they don't look as good. He said if they continue to divide, they will be frozen. He didn't seem hopeful they would make it that far but you never know.

I went into the procedure so guarded. I was afraid to be hopeful, afraid they wouldn't be any better quality than last time. As soon as I was told they were better, my whole mood changed. I pray this is it for us! I have a little cramping here and there but feel good. And finally, I feel hopeful.

The RE also told us that of the 12 eggs they retrieved, 11 were mature but only 4 fertilized. I was so puzzled by this because last time 4 out of 6 fertilized. He said if we do this again, we would need ICSI, a procedure where they inject a single sperm into each egg to aid in fertilization. I wasn't expecting that news at all. I am trying not to think about those other 7 eggs. I need to just believe these 2 are the best of them all anyway.

So in 12 days I will go for my blood test. These next 12 days are going to be emotionally draining. But that sums up IVF doesn't it? An emotional roller coaster.

Report cards

The nurse called a little while ago with my fertilization report. Of the 12 eggs we retrieved, 4 are fertilized. I have no idea what happened to the other 8 - were they immature? did they fertilize and just arrest? or did they not even fertilize? Hopefully we can find out more at the transfer - which is scheduled for tomorrow at 10am. Another 2 day transfer. I am trying not to feel like this cycle is repeating the last one but my mind keeps going there. It hasn't been nearly the same as last time except for this fertilization report. Last time we had 6 retrieved and 2 arrested before we got our report which left us with 4. They were lousy quality.

So, I am hoping and praying with every ounce of my being that these 4 - at least 2 of these 4 - are superstars. I know, it only takes one. But, in the game of IVF, more is usually better. I have never hid the fact that I really only want 1 child. Of course I would be happy with twins but it isn't something I long for. So only being able to transfer 2 in is comforting in a way. More than that would make me concerned about triplets. But at the same time, this is it for IJ and I, no more IVF so I want us to have the best possible chances of success and if there are 3 stars, then we will probably put in all 3. If there are 4, well, not sure. Whatever the doctor thinks is best is what we will likely end up doing.

Grow! Grow! Grow! my little embryos. I look forward to meeting you tomorrow morning.

And we're back

Retrieval went very well. We got 12 eggs this time. I as so happy with that. I cried when the doctor told us. Last time we only had 6 eggs. Praise God for this improvement.

There was a bit of trouble with my IV though. The nurse had a lot of trouble finding my vein. She also made the mistake of telling me she was nervous to do it. Not the right thing to share with me because I HATE the IV needles. Once it was in, I just knew something was still wrong. I was in some pain if I moved my arm even a fraction of an inch. Two other nurses came in and they decided to pull it out because it was causing me too much pain that they thought wouldn't subside. They decided to numb my right hand and put the IV in there. It went fine the second time. They sent the receptionist out to get IJ to help me calm down. We waited about 15 minutes and then they wheeled me in and I woke up later in recovery. Home resting now.

Tomorrow I will get my fertilization report. Can't wait to hear how my eggs are doing. Transfer will be Saturday or Sunday.

Hittin' the road

We are leaving for the retrieval in about 10 minutes. My ovaries are angry this morning. Hopefully it is due to so many mature, high quality eggs. I was paranoid that I would ovulate early. Not sure why I was so concerned about it. I think because I stopped the Ganirelix on Monday night. I only took 2 doses. I feel like that wasn't enough but I have to trust the doctors. They know far more about this stuff than I do. My peanut butter and jelly socks are on and I am ready to go. I will report later. Prayers and thoughts much appreciated.

No time for a sore throat

I called the nurse today because my throat was bothering me and I wanted to know if I could take anything or drink a packet of Emergen-C. Glad I called because she said no, all I could take is Tylenol. There are things I could take if I had a cough or congestion though. And, she said absolutely not on the Emergen-C. Too many vitamins. Fortunately, my sore throat isn't so bad and I am hoping it is more of an allergy situation.

While I was on the phone with her, something inside my head said to ask who was doing the retrieval. My usual doctor did the retrieval last time so I figured it would be him. But NO, it is a different doctor in the practice. It is the doctor that did my embryo transfer last time. So at least I have met him before. I am very glad I asked because that would have been the kind of unwelcomed surprise that could throw me off completely. I am not thrilled about this news but, I am trying to be positive about it and think of it as a change from last cycle, maybe he will be a lucky charm. Hoping my doctor does the transfer but he is away at a conference this week. Not sure when he is back.

I just finished drinking a huge bottle of Gatorade. The light purple flavor. I just do not love Gatorade. I will switch to just water now but I know the Gatorade has the electrolytes I need to help with the bloating. And believe me, I feel as big as a house today! I will drink more tomorrow and Friday. If I recall correctly, the worst day of bloating was the day after the retrieval. I should probably buy more Gatorade.

Take 2...

It's official - I will trigger tonight at 10pm and go in for the retrieval on Thursday morning at 10am. I didn't think I'd be this nervous about it second time around. I am thrilled to not have to do any other shots tonight and none tomorrow. Of course getting the IV on Thursday is a whole different story. Ouch! But, it is better than feeling, or even just remembering, the retrieval. No thanks!

I found out that my E2 yesterday was 1076. So it doubled like it should which is good. Hopefully it will double again by the retrieval (although, they will not check it anyway) and I will have about 10 mature follicles. And hopefully close to 10 eggs. And then... the dreaded two week wait for the beta test. Wish me luck!

Stop... trigger time!

WOW! I had been waiting all afternoon for the call from the nurse. i walked away from my phone for 5 minutes and, of course, she called while I wasn't there. She left a message with my next steps. Tonight, same dose of Menopur and Ganirelix, tomorrow morning same dose of Gonal-F. But then, tomorrow afternoon, I will get a call telling me when to trigger. Tomorrow night!! So retrieval will be on Thursday. I can't believe this. I was hoping for Friday but Thursday is good -and hopefully it is at least a 3 day transfer. I mean, I know I am making a big deal about this birthday party for Br but I would like to be there. And a 3 day transfer would allow that, a 2 day, no chance I can go.

I can't believe it. I really had it in my head from the beginning of the cycle that the retrieval would be Friday. So I will stim for a total of 9 days. I think last cycle was the same. Not sure. More details tomorrow.

Thrilled!!

My ultra sound this morning went very well. My lining is the same but I have many many more measurable follicles! On the left, I now have 15, 14, 13.5, 14, 9 and 4<10mm. On the right, I have 13, 13, 14.5, 13, 11.5, 14, 9, 11 and 5<10mm. I couldn't believe it! I almost cried I was so thrilled. I went from 14 follicles to 22 follicles in 2 days! And the sizes are pretty good. Very close together with a couple leading the pack. The tech Kathleen, who is by far the best one there, said I am right on the cusp of triggering so it could be today or tomorrow. Amazing. On Saturday, we were thinking I'd need an extra day of shots. Now it seems I might need 1 less day of shots. I can't believe it. My only explanation is the amount of prayers that have been said for me in the past few days is astounding and I know this is the hand of God. I know this doesn't mean I am guaranteed a baby in the end, but I do feel that, no matter what God's will is, I am trusting Him that He knows what is best. I'll update after I hear from the nurse this afternoon.

Oops, I forgot to post yesterday

Yesterday was a BUSY day! I had to get up at 5:45 to be at the RE's office for Blood work and an Ultrasound by 6:45am. I, yet again, got my favorite Phlebotomist. I thought for sure she would have the day off. I am glad I was wrong. Draw went well, no black and blue again! I went back into the waiting area to wait for my US. The place was more packed than I have ever seen it. Almost every chair had a body in it. I got called back relatively soon after my blood draw and got myself ready. The Tech came in - another woman I had never seem before - and we began. My lining was great - 8.6. But I only had 3 measurable follicles and 11 under 10mm. The measurable were 11mm on the left, a 10mm and an 11mm on the right. I was devastated that I had so few follicles at those sizes. I thought for sure I'd have more because I did last cycle at this same point. The tech turns to me and says, in a solemn tone, " Well, the nurse will call you later with your instructions." In my mind, she may as well have said "go home and throw out the rest of your meds because this cycle is a bust." I left and got in the car and called IJ. I was crying before he even answered the phone. I was so afraid the cycle would get canceled. I headed back toward home to go to my massage appointment set for 8:15.

My massage was fantastic. She did a bit of reiki as well. My 2nd chakra is blocked. The interesting thing in, my lower back (in the area of the 2nd chakra) always has a warmth to it. Considerably warmer than the rest of my body. She said it is energy, like a cluster, or maybe the energy is blocked/stuck. I looked up the chakra when I got home and all of the things that it controls/reflects - emotions, behaviors, physical issues - I suffer form them all. I couldn't believe it. Normally I am skeptical of this type of thing - energy, auras, and the like. But there may be something to this one. So, I need to look into aligning my chakras. I will mention it to my Acupuncturist on Tuesday night.

From there, I went straight to my quilting class. That was a very welcomed distraction from waiting for the nurse to call. I got home and made some lunch, it was 1:45 when the phone rang - it was nurse Sarah. She sounded cheery so I immediately said "I was so afraid you were calling to tell me the cycle is canceled. I don't have enough follicles." She said "It only takes one." and that I might just need an extra day of stims to help them grow. So, my protocol stayed the same for last night and this morning. Tonight, I will add in the Ganirelix and continue with the Gonal-F tomorrow morning and then go in for another blood draw and US. Had things progressed a bit more, I would have started the Ganirelix last night. I felt much better after her call and I immediately called IJ because I knew he was upset about my earlier call. It eased his mind as well.

We later went to my mother's house for birthday dinner #2. It was nice. My sister Ja made an amazing Oreo cake. It was 3 layers and looked like a giant Oreo when cut. It had a cream cheese filling and frosting. It was all from scratch and she did an amazing job on it.

So tonight we have the 3rd and final birthday dinner. (Well, not final I guess because I should be getting together with my dad at some point too) We are heading to a great restaurant a couple of cities away. I will see P&B for the first time since P told me she was pregnant. I am looking forward to it. Should be a great night with friends.

Infertility is....

http://vimeo.com/keikozoll/infertilityis

This is a neat video that was posted by a great infertility advocate named Keiko.

Not so Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. I don't know if it is the fertility drugs or what but I am pretty miserable today. In the back of my mind, turning 37 and going thru IVF#2 at the same time is weighing on me... big time actually. I am totally depressed about it. Why I didn't take the day off from work is beyond me. I never work on my birthday. Perhaps in my twisted mind I thought work would be a good distraction today. Instead, it is one frustration after another. Boo today. It is rainy.

The t-shirt IJ got me for my birthday that I was soooo excited about, is the wrong size and so I couldn't wear it today (Friday's are "fun t-shirt" day at the office). When I opened it last night I was so upset. I know, it is only a t-shirt, and perhaps I should have been flattered that IJ thinks I wear a smaller size than I actually do, but it was disappointing. My personality is such that I am often disappointed on my birthday and Christmas. It isn't that I don't receive enough, I don't really care about the gifts themselves. It is the thought behind them that matters to me. And I always end up feeling like people don't know me at all. IJ meant well with his gift choices, but the t-shirt thing really threw me. I do think the fertility meds are affecting my mood this round. Last round, I had no issues at all. I was more even keeled and, dare I say, happier when I was on them. But not this time. Everything is setting me off. I have been awful to IJ all week long - and believe me, he doesn't deserve it. I need to be better about catching myself doing it and shutting myself off before I say something stupid.

Quick update

This morning I went in for my blood draw - again I got my favorite phlebotomist. YAY! My face lit up when I saw her. I probably should have been embarrassed. Anyway, draw went fine, ride to work on the other hand, not so fine. Crazy traffic with the rain we have today. People totally forget how to drive when it rains. It is so annoying.

Anyway, I digress.... The nurse called about 1 hour ago with my next set of instructions. Same meds tonight, tomorrow and Saturday morning. Then Saturday morning I go in for another blood draw and an U/S. I am assuming that they will start the Ganerelix shots Saturday night but we'll see. My E2 was 196. I think that is good for day 4 of stims. I will have to do a little googling.

So, more of the same. The excitement comes Saturday when I have the US so i can see how many follicles are growing. Quality over quantity... quality over quantity... that's what we want.

3 days in...

So it is cycle day 4 but day 3 of stim shots. I am THRILLED to report that last nights triple dose Menopur shot went much better than Monday night's. I iced the area while I mixed the medications. And then I iced right after. There was still a bit of blood but no bruise this time. The burning was still there but very minimal. Overall a successful change.

I have 2 more shots before my bloodwork tomorrow morning. I am already starting to feel a bit of bloating and have had a headache for about 24 hours. I looked into the side effects and headache is definitely one of them. And since I am on 225 units per day, I assume this headache will last a few days. It isn't debilitating but it isn't fun either. Staring at a bright computer screen isn't helping much.

On a happy note, my fabric came in today! Not that I can start a project with it yet but at least it is here and I love it even more in person. Whether I turn it into a quilt or a diaper bag, it will be a great project.

One Down, many more to go

Blood work and ultrasound this morning. My favorite phlebotomist did my blood draw and barely left a mark. Yay! The ultrasound was quick. The tech was someone I had never met before. Everything seems to be in order - ovary size is fine, endometrial lining is 5mm, no cyst mentioned. Off to a good start. The only thing that has me concerned is that I only had 6 antral follicles (follicles in the ovaries at the start of a cycle). A low number of antral follicles can indicate low ovarian reserve. 6 is borderline low. Last cycle I had 13. So, I am hoping my body kicks out more follicles with all these meds. I am not sure how I would handle it if this cycle got cancelled. But all I really need is a couple of high quality eggs. And I am praying to that end.

So I spent the day trying to distract myself from the pending shot. I didn't get any quilting done but did buy some backing fabric to finish up a big project. The cashier even gave me a 50% off coupon to use. The nurse called around 2:30ish, while I was trying on shoes (more retail therapy to distract me). All systems go! I jotted down my instructions and headed home. I finished watching the Sex and the City movie (I just love that movie) and tried to relax. I remained fairly tense, just dreading tonight's shot - 3 vials of Menopur.

I prepped my supplies, mixed the meds and tapped the air out of the needle. I inserted it into my belly on the first try - no hesitation at all. Well, I tell you, it burned as much as I thought it would. I pushed the meds as slow as possible but it didn't help. I had to put ice on the injection site for a little while afterward. The site bled a bit and turned black and blue almost immediately. I might try icing before the shot tomorrow night. Tomorrow morning, I will inject the Gonal-F. That is the easy one.

This protocol will continue through Thursday morning when I go for more bloodwork. And we will see what the RE wants the next steps to be. Please follicles - grow, grow, grow!

And away we go...

Cycle day 1 is here. And now it begins. The next 2 weeks will be intense...emotionally draining...scary...painful (from all the bloodwork and shots). But in a little over 4 weeks, the cycle and beta will be done and we will know if it worked. I really am going into this feeling very positive about it. It's going to work this time... Please Lord, I pray it is your will that this time works.

More tomorrow after my blood work and ultrasound results are in.

What's done is done

Finished the birth control pills last night. DONE! I am hoping I NEVER have to take one of them again! The first milestone in this cycle is reached. Next will be the start of my new cycle - probably this weekend - and then baseline U/S and BW early next week. That same evening, I will start my stimulation shots.

A cycle goes from boring to non-stop-action in a matter of minutes it seems. 2 weeks from today, I should be gearing up for my egg retrieval. I'll be all bloaty and miserable feeling. My stomach will be all black and blue. The sharps container will be halfway full. So many things to look forward to. I jest. But no matter how I am feeling, if I end up pregnant after this, I don't care how much discomfort I feel... how tight my clothes are...how much gatorade makes me want to puke. None of it will matter once the end goal is reached.

So here we go IVF#2 - let's do this thing!

I just couldn't resist....

Well, it happened, I broke down. It only took a couple of weeks...

Yes, that's right, I bought the fabric that I LOVE and plan to use to make a diaper bag. I know, I know. I should wait until a baby is here to do that but I just wanted it and it was on sale... Those who know me KNOW that I can't possibly pass up a good sale. And I figured that if there is no baby at the end of this, I can turn the fabric into a quilt. I really love it that much! Here it is:

Circa 1934 fabric family

My fave print from the collection

And here is the link to the bag pattern

Now, it is not at all baby-ish. But, it would be fine for IJ or I to carry because it is gender neutral. I am not convinced all things for baby need to look like they are baby-ish. The baby quilts that I have made recently are from more adult looking fabrics. Not this graphic but not light pastels with chickies and duckies and bunnies either. What can I say, I gotta be me!

3 to go....

Only 3 more BCPs to go. This cycle is fast approaching and I am starting to freak out a little. Don't get me wrong, I am excited and hopeful about it but the whole needle and bloat thing is entering my mind again. I am not liking the BCPs either. I never had an issue with them before but this time I have gained 2lbs and have some unusual spotting. Eh, only a couple more days.

Outside IVF world, I spent the day Saturday nauseas. No idea why. It was that feeling of wanting so badly to just throw up but you can't. So finally IJ got me some ginger beer (no, not beer beer. It is a ginger soda that has a lot more ginger flavor than ginger ale.) I hated it but it worked. I woke up Sunday famished. IJ and I went out to breakfast - which we rarely do but love to do. We spent the rest of the day watching football and I made oatmeal choc chip cookies and tomatillo salsa. I finished the day with some fabric cutting for my father-in-law's quilt which I hope to start sewing this week.