The heart ALWAYS knows

Well, the call came in at about 1:45 yesterday afternoon - it's now official, IVF#1 Big Fat Negative!

It was heartbreaking. I was at work at the time so I managed to somewhat keep it together for about an hour and a half before I had to leave the office. I managed the half mile walk to my car and as soon as I closed the door, the floodgates opened and I had mascara running down my face. I drove home and when I got to the top of the stairs, IJ was waiting there for me. I threw my stuff down and just held on tight. The loss belonged to us both. Yes, this process is more physically intense on the woman, but emotionally, I know IJ was totally invested. Deep in my heart, I knew it hadn't worked. When I woke up after the Egg Retrieval and the RE said he got only 6 eggs and that we might do a Day 2 transfer, I knew our shot was over for this cycle. I tried to remain positive, and of course did the Embryo Transfer and the PIO shots and took the pills. But I tried to keep my heart a bit shielded. Maybe I failed at that because it felt like a train hit me when I got that call.

We sat and held each other, I cried off and on - ok, maybe even sobbed out of control for a little while - made some dinner and drank some fabulous Merlot from our trip to Napa. I had a headache and took Aleve (a woman can't take Aleve while trying to conceive, it thins the uterine lining). Wow did I miss Aleve... and the wine too of course!

So, we meet with the RE on August 30th to talk about the cycle, what he thinks our best options are and then decide if we want to give it another go. Until then, no thinking about what went wrong, no blaming myself for not resting enough, for lifting the dog, for lifting that water bottle... for anything and everything that I might have done wrong in the past 2 weeks. We have to trust that God has a plan for us, a plan that may or may not include a child. I know we will both be praying for guidance.

Boring

Well, I have nothing exciting to report. I am back at work - finally! I was actually looking forward to getting back into the office instead of sitting at home alone for 4 days. I did a little too much on Saturday with bringing the dog to the groomer, a trip to the mall and a trip to the grocery store. Too much lifting I think. But I felt good Sunday and today good too. I have some minor, and I mean MINOR, cramping/flutters but otherwise, nothing.

Blood test is in 1 week. I hope with everything that is within me that the test is positive. I am not sure if there is anything that I have ever wanted more.

More waiting

I was chatting with a friend today and it seems that trying to conceive a baby is a constant waiting game. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting for a new cycle to start... It is frustrating. And I am not good at waiting for much of anything!

Currently, I am waiting for my blood test. 10 days to go. It should come quickly, and I don't want to wish my life away, but I really can't wait. I am still crampy and that does have me a bit nervous. I am still taking it easy and slowly getting back to my normal life. Fortunately, we do not have much planned for the weekend so it will be relaxed. But hopefully not too boring for me. Time drags when I am bored.

Oh, and the PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots SUCK! They don't hurt while being done, but my muscle is so sore. And the idea of this going on for possible 9 more weeks is sort of annoying - but worth it if I get a baby out of the deal.

Almonds to walnuts

IJ saved the day and I was able to do my Gonal-F shot last night. All went fine. The Menopur shot however, a different story. I couldn't get the needle to go into my stomach. I tried a few times and only ended up with spots of blood all over my stomach. I walked away for a minute and then got it done right away. I thought it would get easier but I just feel like a pincushion.

Woke up at 3:20 this morning to use the bathroom and when i tried to fall back to sleep, my ovaries just weren't going to allow it. They feel huge and heavy. I guess they go from normal (size of an almond) to enlarged (size of walnuts). Not painful, but uncomfortable. Especially when I stand up or sit down quickly. The RE's office said I can take Tylenol and drink Gatorade. Gatorade? hmm, ok. Not my favorite but I will do it. Not sure why that helps but I hope it does!

The nurse also said that after my blood work and U/S tomorrow morning, they will have a better idea of when my retrieval will be. She thinks Monday or Tuesday of next week. o.m.g! It is coming up. I am scared but also thrilled to stop the ovary pain and 3 shots per day. Of course then IJ will be starting my intramuscular progesterone shots... waaaat waaahhhhhh

AWWW Freak Out!

Yes, I am freaking out a bit now. Just got the call from the RE's office with my next steps. Same protocol as I have had the past 2 days - 5 units Lupron in the morning, 225 units Gonal-F and 1 vial of Menopur in the evenings. Ok, sounds easy enough, EXCEPT I AM OUT OF GONAL-F!!!! The nurse seemed shocked by this but I told her I was only sent 1200 units and I have already taken 1125. She claims the pharmacy can get it to me today. Um, really?!?! In the next 3 hours before I leave work to go to Acupuncture?!?! ok. Why don't I believe that? Maybe because of all of the hassle getting the correct meds in the first place. I don't do well with this sort of situation. I love predictability!!

So Friday I have to go in for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. I am not sure which is worse. Today's blood draw hurt so badly! and my arms are already covered in black and blues. Not sure where they will draw from this time. Today's ultrasound wasn't very comfy either. She was wielding the wand like an Atari joystick. I am still uncomfortable. There are (I think) 23 follicles in there. Although not as big as I had thought they'd be. Hopefully Friday they can tell me when my trigger will be. I was hoping it would be Friday night but now I am hoping it is Saturday. Much later than that might put me over the edge.

Edited to add: IJ will be driving to Byfield after work to pick up the meds - one Gonal-F 900 unit pen. That is enough for 4 doses. So I guess I should be triggering no later than Saturday. I HOPE!

The first check-in

So my IVF cycle officially started yesterday. This morning, at 6:30am, I was in the waiting room at the RE's office. I was whisked in for blood work and then waited a few minutes for a tech to come out to get me for the ultrasound. I sat there on the table for quite sometime. Why do they keep those rooms so cold? And why do they give me a thin paper sheet to cover up with? I should bring my own blankets from now on. (Note to self: this may be a good market for selling my quilts.)

So the tech comes in, does her thing while rattling off my stats and I write them down on the clipboard for her. Yeah, ultrasounds are interactive. Everything sounds good to me, but of course I started researching as soon as I got to the office to make sure. Bonus: my cyst is GONE! yay!

So I got to work, close to on time, and have been waiting for my call with the results/next steps. Finally, at 2pm the phone rang. We are go to start the stimulation meds! Tomorrow night through Sunday night I have to inject 225units of the Gonal-F at night and only 5units of the Lupron in the mornings (half of what I have been injecting). I go back for more bloodwork on Monday. (Hopefully the black and blue on my arm from today will be gone by then!)

Wow, this is exciting. Although I will, of course, admit I am scared of the shots. I think the first one of each medication will be scary. They will become comfortable but never easy.

ETA my stats for my own records:
4.3 lining
left ovary - 9 follicles: 1 13mm and 8 <10mm
right ovary - 6 follicles: 1 12.5mm and 5 <10mm
1 fibroid in the back

I never imagined it would be this difficult

So, since I never use this blog, I have decided to give it a specific purpose so that I use it more. It will now be my official IVF journal. Yes, IVF. Man I never thought I'd be in this position but, if IJ (my husband) and I want a baby, the RE says IVF gives us the most chance to have one.

I have been on birth control pills (yes, weird I know) for just over 2 weeks now. I finish up on Saturday. But this coming Wednesday, I start my first injection. Scary stuff for the girl who HATES needles. But, they are small and only have to go into my belly so shouldn't be too bad... or so I keep telling myself. So Lupron on Wednesday morning for about 2 weeks. This will suppress my ovulation so that the doctor can control when it happens. Once my new cycle starts sometime next week, I will start the stimulation injections to get my ovaries producing many, many eggs.

I can't explain the overwhelming feeling of this whole thing. Somedays, I am paralyzed with fear. Other days I feel like I am the strongest I have ever been. Hopefully, when I am staring down that first needle Wednesday morning, I am having a strong moment.

I will tell you one thing I have learned from this: it is amazing how many people deal with infertility. And how many go the route of injectible meds with IVF or IUI. Once I started talking to people about it (because I like to share things with anyone who will listen), almost daily I would learn of another person that I knew that went through the same thing. One good thing is, I have a large support system both in my personal life and work life. It will be good. It won't be fun or comfortable, but it will be good in the end. And hopefully, in about 6 weeks from now, I will be pregnant.

Oh, I should have mentioned that I have lost 13lbs in the past 9 weeks. I <3 WeightWatchers! Figured it a good idea to get my body in better shape before growing a child in there.