Will it ever end?

So last night I got a call from my sister to tell me she is pregnant. Fertile Myrtle already has 2 kids and basically gets pregnant if her husband sneezes in her direction. While I am, of course, thrilled for her and love the idea of another nephew or niece, I am basically devastated by this news. I feel like someone sucked out my soul, put it in a bottle, mixed it with acid and smashed it into a million pieces. It so happens that her due date is the same week mine would have been had my IVF worked. AWESOME right?! So when April rolls around, I get to relive the pain of the first failed attempt every time I look at the baby. MOST EXCELLENT!

Now some might think I am overreacting, and perhaps once the pain subsides I will agree with that. But for now, anyone who has not had to deal with infertility and that devastating feeling month after month after month should just keep their mouths shut... or take my side :-) (Yeah, joking is the best medicine for me.)

In all reality, it is a great thing and I truly know that. But I can't help feeling betrayed by my sister. I mean, if the situation were reversed and I knew that my track record was getting pregnant within 1-2 months of stopping birth control, and knew my sister was dealing with an IVF cycle at the same time, I would have waited a month to try. I would have let her cycle run its course and then tried. I would NEVER have done this to her. NEVER. Do I know I am being selfish making this about myself - yes I do. Do I care at this moment - no I don't.

I am at the end of my rope here. I know I am in trouble when I sit on my couch, staring at the wall at 1am, wishing my life would end. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I know this too shall pass. But right now, other than the depression I was dealing with 14 years ago, this is the most difficult time in my life. And right now, I see no way out of it.

Until my head clears, IVF#2 is on the shelf. Fortunately I have two and a half weeks to decide what I want to do. If I had to decide today, I'd give up and donate all the meds to someone who deserves a baby... because clearly, I don't.