Tuesday night ritual

It would appear that Tuesday nights are THE NIGHT to call me to announce a pregnancy. Yup, last night I got a call from a dear old friend that she is. in fact, pregnant - 12 weeks along. This week's reaction was FAR BETTER than last week's. There are a few guesses as to why

1. she is 41 years old
2. they were trying to conceive for over 1 year before seeking help from an RE
3. I've been waiting for years for them to announce a pregnancy!

So I am TRULY happy for this couple! I am sure telling me wasn't easy since when I saw them Sunday night I was relaying the story of when my sister told me last week and how badly that went (Hey, I had no idea they were even trying!) I told IJ that I didn't feel one ounce of disappointment/frustration/sadness when P told me the news.

So, congrats to P & B on their soon coming baby - due to greet the world in March of 2012!

Getting ready to begin again

Great weekend. Not so much because I did anything very exciting - mostly quilting and dinner with some friends last night. More because I feel like myself again. Well, myself but better because I am hopeful for this IVF cycle. I tend to be, shall we say negative.... Not sure why, but, I am what I am.

I spoke to my sister on Sunday morning and explained to her my feelings my reaction and we had a good talk about things. Turns out, she was thinking about how this would affect me from the very beginning. IJ and I stopped by her house on the way to dinner with our friends. I was happy that things are resolved.

A girl whose blog I follow has her beta today. She tested on a home test on Friday and got a positive. It was her second IVF cycle, she never made it to transfer on the first one. I am thrilled for her. I keep checking her site to see the beta results. Congrats Emily!

I have 9 more days of pills and hopefully only 2 weeks until I start the stim shots. It is approaching fast and I am very ready to begin this cycle. IJ and I were talking about the timing of the shots and decided that my morning shot will be done at the office at 9am and the evening shots at home at 9pm. This is assuming the shots have to be every 12 hours in order to keep feeding the follicles. I am not thrilled about doing the shots at the office but it makes the most sense as far as 12 hour time frames. Fortunately, the morning shot will be the Gonal-F pen - easily portable, no mixing or measuring. Just swab area and the pen nib with alcohol, put on the needle, dial up the dose and pull out the trigger, pinch the skin and inject. Should take all of 2 minutes. I am not sure if the Ganerelix will be morning or night but those are easy too because they are pre-filled syringes. So they'd be fine to do at the office as well. mini pharmacy in the beer fridge I guess.

Needles, needles and more needles

Seems I just can't get enough of needles lately. Yesterday i met with a new acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and came highly recommended by my RE. I was seeing a fantastic acupuncturist for a while in the spring/early summer but then she was on vacation when I really needed the treatments the most (during the ER/ET timing). So, this being the "pull out all the stops" cycle, I decided to spend the extra $$ and go with Jose.

We had a great consult and I left feeling really positive about the whole thing. I am booked, and have paid for appointments 2x/week for the next 4 weeks - right up until the retrieval. Then after the transfer, I will continue 2x per week until the beta test. I have prepaid up through one visit after the transfer. I am really hoping this helps with the stress of the whole process.

So after Tuesday night's news, and spending Wednesday in a very dark place, I am feeling back to myself since yesterday morning. I have actually been in a better mood than I have been all week. Even though my sister doesn't know how the news affected me, I have been feeling like I should talk to her about it. The problem is, we have never been that close, and all 3 of us have some self-esteem issues due to some choices our father made when we were younger (and even still if I am honest about it). I am concerned that she will take it badly if I try to explain how I felt. And if I talk about how I don't feel like she even wants to understand what I am going through. Or that her support would be very helpful to me. Or that I want to be closer to her. You see, she has the middle child mentality of "why can't everyone just get along?".

As my mom pointed out when I spoke with her Wednesday night, I had always said that I would rather have someone hurt me with the truth, than to hide something from me or lie to me about something. And Je calling to tell me about the pregnancy, I am sure, was difficult for her. But, she did it. She did before there was any chance I would hear it from someone other than her. And I really am thankful for that. I think the first time I see her face to face will be tough. And if my IVF fails I am not sure I will want to see her for a while. But no matter what, she is my sister and that baby is my nephew or niece. And regardless of my own hurt or happiness, their health and happiness is vitally important to me.

I'm back...

...to my normal self. Feeling so much better thanks to chats with some fabulous, supportive people. My cousin Kr, my sister Ja, my Mom and IJ. Infertility sucks, but hopefully I will be beating it down in about 6 weeks!

Will it ever end?

So last night I got a call from my sister to tell me she is pregnant. Fertile Myrtle already has 2 kids and basically gets pregnant if her husband sneezes in her direction. While I am, of course, thrilled for her and love the idea of another nephew or niece, I am basically devastated by this news. I feel like someone sucked out my soul, put it in a bottle, mixed it with acid and smashed it into a million pieces. It so happens that her due date is the same week mine would have been had my IVF worked. AWESOME right?! So when April rolls around, I get to relive the pain of the first failed attempt every time I look at the baby. MOST EXCELLENT!

Now some might think I am overreacting, and perhaps once the pain subsides I will agree with that. But for now, anyone who has not had to deal with infertility and that devastating feeling month after month after month should just keep their mouths shut... or take my side :-) (Yeah, joking is the best medicine for me.)

In all reality, it is a great thing and I truly know that. But I can't help feeling betrayed by my sister. I mean, if the situation were reversed and I knew that my track record was getting pregnant within 1-2 months of stopping birth control, and knew my sister was dealing with an IVF cycle at the same time, I would have waited a month to try. I would have let her cycle run its course and then tried. I would NEVER have done this to her. NEVER. Do I know I am being selfish making this about myself - yes I do. Do I care at this moment - no I don't.

I am at the end of my rope here. I know I am in trouble when I sit on my couch, staring at the wall at 1am, wishing my life would end. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I know this too shall pass. But right now, other than the depression I was dealing with 14 years ago, this is the most difficult time in my life. And right now, I see no way out of it.

Until my head clears, IVF#2 is on the shelf. Fortunately I have two and a half weeks to decide what I want to do. If I had to decide today, I'd give up and donate all the meds to someone who deserves a baby... because clearly, I don't.

They're here!!!

My meds are here. Another giant box of drugs. It was a lot messier when I opened the box.

Total cost to me $113. Yup, nuts right? I can't begin to express how truly blessed I am to have such amazing insurance coverage. I know I repeat that often but it is really amazing. 

Today is only day 6 of the pills so I am looking at another 15 days of pills and then 3-4 days before the IVF cycle starts. I'll just organize this stuff and store it in the closet for a few weeks until needed. I am sure the time will pass quickly. IVF#2 here we come!

edited to add: I just made an appointment with a new acupuncturist. Right down the street from the fertility clinic. Came highly recommended by my doctor. Will be a bit pricey but we are pulling out all the stops this time. No regrets!

Take 2...

Meds are officially ordered for IVF#2. They will arrive at my office on Tuesday. I didn't even ask the cost. I estimated it to be about $225 for all the co-pays but it is really about $5000 worth of meds. Thank you Blue Cross Blue Shield! Not sure we'd be doing this again if we had to pay out of pocket.

Please visit resolve.org to help get legislation passed so that all people are eligible for IF cost assistance through insurance and/or tax credits. Please use the site to write to your congressman to help get the bill passed.

This cycle, I am going to go extreme on everything. Taking some time off work after the transfer to make sure I rest enough. And I will REST. Last time I got up off the couch and walked around too much. Not this time! I am going to try to do acupuncture 2x per week and schedule it around the retrieval and transfer if possible. I am thinking about avoiding soymilk and any meat with hormones in it. No alcohol once the stim cycle starts, just like last time. I am going to really try to limit my stress as much as I can. I should really get back into yoga. And I will listen to my Circle & Bloom meditations again every day.

I just really want this to work.

Seeing red

Spotting! WHAT!?!?!? If my temps are right, I only ovulated a week ago - not a good LP. Perhaps Dr. Hardy is right, temps do not mean anything and I did ovulate way back on CD14 like my symptoms implied. That would make me a "normal" person. And it would bump my IVF schedule up a week and put my retrieval around October 21 - the day before my nephew B's 4th birthday party. This will be cutting it close. I don't want to miss the party.

We'll see what the rest of the day brings before I call the doctor's office. wowza

Edited to add: Officially cycle day 1. Pills start tomorrow and I should be stimming in 3.5 weeks. o.m.g!

The joy of a timeframe

Well, who would have thunk it but as of yesterday, fertilityfriend.com thinks I ovulated on Thursday (cycle day 21). My temperature is very low for post-ovulation temps. I don't even think it really happened but whatever, if it did, I will be starting the pills in just under 2 weeks. So, about 6 weeks until ER. Now this is a timeframe I can wrap my arms around. When I tell myself "only 6 weeks to go" I feel like that isn't really a lot of time. Especially at this time of year where the days seem to fly by.

IJ and I spent the evening watching 9/11 memorial shows on tv. We saw on that was AMAZING! 2 french brothers were following a rookie firefighter for his first 6 months on the job. One of them was IN tower 1 with the firefighters and police officers when tower 2 fell. The footage is incredible and really brought the day to life for me even more than when I had witnessed the events on TV 10 years ago. This company he was with, Engine 7, was called the miracle team because they didn't lose a single officer that day. Amazing.

Status Quo

No changes to report. My temp did jump up a bit today but I think it was because I didn't get a solid 3 hour block of sleep before I temped. We will see what tomorrow brings.

On a happier note, the sun is out today. Nice to see it after 4 days of rain!

Vampires

Still no signs of ovulating. None. Nothing. Zilch. I called the RE's office today and left a message on the service. Hoping they will not make me wait too long for Provera - hoping to start it end of next week.

UPDATE: Nurse Jamie just called me back. If I do not start a new cycle before 9/16, then I can call for Provera bloodwork to see if I need it. (They constantly want my blood over there) My RE doesn't trust basal body temping at all. Um, ok, what! Now I won't start Stims until 3rd week in October and my ER and ET may push into 1st week November. Not the news I wanted. But on a good note, it would align things so that I will not have to miss my nephews birthday party in October.

More waiting.

The Frustration and Despair set in again

So, cycle day 18 with NO SIGN of ovulating in sight. I had some signs early last week but they have passed and I haven't had a basal temp jump so therefore, no ovulation. So, I am guessing I am anovulatory AGAIN and that I can't seem to ovulate without medication. Great. So now this cycle will be long and that will delay IVF#2. This process is so frustrating and I am just about ready to give up all together. It is just too much to take month after month. Waiting to ovulate. Waiting for new cycle. Waiting to finish BCPs. Waiting for new cycle. Waiting to start stims. Waiting to trigger. Waiting for retrieval. Waiting for transfer. Waiting to test. Waiting for the phone call...... enough is enough.

Not to mention IJ's health insurance may be changing late fall once the buyout of his company goes through. If that happens, I don't know what it will mean to our Infertility coverage. Awesome. More good news.... NOT!

Um, What the?!?!?!!?

So the pharmacy just called to confirm my Rx before sending the meds for IVF#2. So she is reading the script off to me and it just wasn't sounding right. When she finished, and I looked at the list, and it was the script from IVF#1. So I said that to her and she said it was JUST faxed over from the RE. So, I immediately call the RE's office and sure enough, they sent the wrong script over. Um, hello, this is expensive medication. What if they had shipped all this useless stuff to me (granted, some of it is the same but the amount needed is much different) and I had paid for it. What a waste that would have been!

So, all will be fine, the right script is going over today and I will call the pharmacy when I am ready to fill it. I want to wait until I know this natural cycle didn't work before I order. Because there is that 7% chance I could actually get pregnant on my own like a "normal" person. lol