The heart ALWAYS knows

Well, the call came in at about 1:45 yesterday afternoon - it's now official, IVF#1 Big Fat Negative!

It was heartbreaking. I was at work at the time so I managed to somewhat keep it together for about an hour and a half before I had to leave the office. I managed the half mile walk to my car and as soon as I closed the door, the floodgates opened and I had mascara running down my face. I drove home and when I got to the top of the stairs, IJ was waiting there for me. I threw my stuff down and just held on tight. The loss belonged to us both. Yes, this process is more physically intense on the woman, but emotionally, I know IJ was totally invested. Deep in my heart, I knew it hadn't worked. When I woke up after the Egg Retrieval and the RE said he got only 6 eggs and that we might do a Day 2 transfer, I knew our shot was over for this cycle. I tried to remain positive, and of course did the Embryo Transfer and the PIO shots and took the pills. But I tried to keep my heart a bit shielded. Maybe I failed at that because it felt like a train hit me when I got that call.

We sat and held each other, I cried off and on - ok, maybe even sobbed out of control for a little while - made some dinner and drank some fabulous Merlot from our trip to Napa. I had a headache and took Aleve (a woman can't take Aleve while trying to conceive, it thins the uterine lining). Wow did I miss Aleve... and the wine too of course!

So, we meet with the RE on August 30th to talk about the cycle, what he thinks our best options are and then decide if we want to give it another go. Until then, no thinking about what went wrong, no blaming myself for not resting enough, for lifting the dog, for lifting that water bottle... for anything and everything that I might have done wrong in the past 2 weeks. We have to trust that God has a plan for us, a plan that may or may not include a child. I know we will both be praying for guidance.