Here I Go Again!

Appointment with the RE went well. We are trying again!! He is using a different medication protocol called an Antagonist Protocol. There will be less weeks of shots but the dose of one of the meds (Menopur) will triple. It is the medication protocol I thought he would do so at least my research has been valid. I should have my retrieval around mid-October (my birthday).

He said I didn't respond well last cycle. (um, duh!) The Lupron may have suppressed me too much. No Lupron this time. I didn't have enough mature eggs and the ones I did have weren't very good. He thinks the 2 we transferred probably didn't survive more than a day or 2 inside me. SO the goal this time to is find my good eggs and give them time to mature and feed them plenty of hormones to help them grow.

So here's how it will shake down:

3 weeks of BCPs starting day 2 of my next cycle

on day 2 of the following cycle, I will go in for baseline BW and U/S

that same day I will inject 3 VIALS OF MENOPUR (YIKES!!)

next morning, 225 of Gonal-F (same as last time)

I will continue this AM and PM regimen for a few days - BW and U/S mixed in there too

at approximately cd 7, I will start injecting Ganirelix to prevent ovulation (instead of Lupron) and continue the other 2 meds

a few days later I will trigger with HCG as I did last time

a day and a half later is the retrieval (approx Oct 15)

and then we will figure out the transfer date

I should have my beta test before Halloween. Wouldn't a Positive be a nice treat - no Negative as a trick.


Edited to add: In looking at a calendar more closely, I don't think I will have my retrieval until the last week of October. So that would put the beta mid November. The RE got a phone call while we were talking dates and I think that threw him off.

One more day....

Tomorrow is our meeting with the RE. I hope the news is good. When the nurse called last week to say I didn't need the birth control pills, I wasn't sure what to think. Trying to stay positive about it. We will have a plan in about 27 hours.

What a rough week

Rough week for IJ and me. It started with the negative beta test on Monday. On Wednesday, IJ went down to his hometown where his mom has been in a nursing home for 2 months. She was looking very bad and has contracted a severe case of pneumonia. She has been struggling with an infection for months and was very weak but not struggling this badly. She had trouble breathing, was barely conscious and moaning and groaning in pain. That night, they started her on morphine. I was able to go see her on Thursday for a little while but she was never conscious. I am very glad I went because this morning at 7:30 we got a call from the nursing home that she had passed away.

We had so badly wanted to be pregnant before her time with us ended. She wanted so badly for IJ to be a dad. I pray now that it will happen for us and that she will be looking down over us from Heaven thru this next phase of trying to conceive.

Rest in peace Rachel. I promise to always take care of your son. We love you.

The heart ALWAYS knows

Well, the call came in at about 1:45 yesterday afternoon - it's now official, IVF#1 Big Fat Negative!

It was heartbreaking. I was at work at the time so I managed to somewhat keep it together for about an hour and a half before I had to leave the office. I managed the half mile walk to my car and as soon as I closed the door, the floodgates opened and I had mascara running down my face. I drove home and when I got to the top of the stairs, IJ was waiting there for me. I threw my stuff down and just held on tight. The loss belonged to us both. Yes, this process is more physically intense on the woman, but emotionally, I know IJ was totally invested. Deep in my heart, I knew it hadn't worked. When I woke up after the Egg Retrieval and the RE said he got only 6 eggs and that we might do a Day 2 transfer, I knew our shot was over for this cycle. I tried to remain positive, and of course did the Embryo Transfer and the PIO shots and took the pills. But I tried to keep my heart a bit shielded. Maybe I failed at that because it felt like a train hit me when I got that call.

We sat and held each other, I cried off and on - ok, maybe even sobbed out of control for a little while - made some dinner and drank some fabulous Merlot from our trip to Napa. I had a headache and took Aleve (a woman can't take Aleve while trying to conceive, it thins the uterine lining). Wow did I miss Aleve... and the wine too of course!

So, we meet with the RE on August 30th to talk about the cycle, what he thinks our best options are and then decide if we want to give it another go. Until then, no thinking about what went wrong, no blaming myself for not resting enough, for lifting the dog, for lifting that water bottle... for anything and everything that I might have done wrong in the past 2 weeks. We have to trust that God has a plan for us, a plan that may or may not include a child. I know we will both be praying for guidance.

Debbie Downer

or as IJ calls me "Ms. Negativity". In a totally bad headspace about today's beta. I was not wanting to leave the house, then hesitated to get out of the car at the RE's office, then cried when I got back into the car after the blood draw. I just do not have a good feeing about the results. I have ZERO symptoms. Nothing. Not a one. One good thing, I wore my same socks as I wore for the ER and ET. Maybe they will bring me full circle good news....

I should get the call in the next 3 hours or so. I will probably gain 10lbs eating in the meantime. I tend to eat when I am nervous. Yeah, I know, not a good habit. But at least I kept it to a banana and a low sugar granola bar.

Oh the agony of waiting...

Yup, still waiting. And exhausted! Trying not to read too much into that though. I am only technically 9 days past retrieval so I shouldn't feel anything yet.

Boring

Well, I have nothing exciting to report. I am back at work - finally! I was actually looking forward to getting back into the office instead of sitting at home alone for 4 days. I did a little too much on Saturday with bringing the dog to the groomer, a trip to the mall and a trip to the grocery store. Too much lifting I think. But I felt good Sunday and today good too. I have some minor, and I mean MINOR, cramping/flutters but otherwise, nothing.

Blood test is in 1 week. I hope with everything that is within me that the test is positive. I am not sure if there is anything that I have ever wanted more.

More waiting

I was chatting with a friend today and it seems that trying to conceive a baby is a constant waiting game. Waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, waiting for a new cycle to start... It is frustrating. And I am not good at waiting for much of anything!

Currently, I am waiting for my blood test. 10 days to go. It should come quickly, and I don't want to wish my life away, but I really can't wait. I am still crampy and that does have me a bit nervous. I am still taking it easy and slowly getting back to my normal life. Fortunately, we do not have much planned for the weekend so it will be relaxed. But hopefully not too boring for me. Time drags when I am bored.

Oh, and the PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots SUCK! They don't hurt while being done, but my muscle is so sore. And the idea of this going on for possible 9 more weeks is sort of annoying - but worth it if I get a baby out of the deal.

Embies on board!

The transfer yesterday went well. We had 2 embryos still growing so they were both transferred - nothing to freeze. One was a nice looking 4 cell and the other a 2 cell with 2 nuclei - so it was a bit behind schedule but still worth putting in. The procedure was painless. We watched on the ultrasound monitor as they were put in. I laid there for about 10 minutes and that was it. Time to go home. We left with a printout of our 2 little embryos. It is on the refrigerator. I keep looking at it and talking to them - telling at least one of them to stick. I just have this feeling it won't work. I know, I know. Be positive. I am just a glass half empty person. I keep feeling crampy when I stand up and it freaks me out everytime. I did ask the nurse and she said it is normal, especially when on Progesterone shots. Which are going really well, but my butt muscles are so sore and we have only done 2 shots so far - lots more to go!

I have been stuck in the house ever since the transfer. I am not very good at resting. I get bored so easily. I have played lots of Soduko and broke down and checked my work email today - only 165 new emails, WHAT?!?! Glad I checked it today so tomorrow won't be so bad. I am working from home tomorrow. Back to real life on Monday. I am definitely planning to leave the house tomorrow or Saturday though. And definitely to church on Sunday. We have so much to be grateful for. So very much.

66%

So 4 of our 6 eggs have fertilized!! YAY!! not bad at all. My transfer will be tomorrow so I am praying at least 1 makes it through the night. I have no idea of the quality or any specifics about them, just that they are growing. I guess quality does rule over quantity.

EDITED TO ADD: Transfer was moved to Thursday.

EDITED AGAIN TO ADD: Transfer was moved back to Wednesday.

Tom Petty was right

Waiting is the hardest part.

I meant to post this yesterday:
Well I am home. The procedure went ok. They took me in 50 minutes late so of course I was starting to get more and more nervous. The IV wasn't too bad and I got pretty relaxed once I saw my doctor. They wheeled me in and gave me the anesthesia. I don't remember anything until I woke up. I guess they were talking to me but I have no recollection of any of it. The doctor said they got 6 eggs. I am pretty upset about this as I was expecting at least 10-12. I was visibly upset and he told me it was fine, that 6 is fine. But I know it isn't very good. He told me not to dwell on it and to hope for the best. I am trying to but I just keep getting teary about it. All those shots and all that discomfort for only 6 eggs. They will fertilize them today and call me tomorrow with a report on how that are doing. He said the transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. I have never heard of a 2 day transfer (Wed) which also worries me. But, I just have to stay positive and keep praying that things will be ok. I am going to try to get some rest and eat salty foods like I was told to do (can't complain about that part!). 

Post anesthesia

Of course I wore my socks!

And here is where I am at today:
So I gained 3lbs last night. Yup, 3. I guess some bloating is normal but I feel HUGE. My pants are too tight and the occasional soreness has returned. I probably should have stayed home today but I am at work. The nurse just called me back, I left a message this morning about the 3lbs, and she is going to talk to the doctor about it. I don't seem to be feeling any better. She said once she talks to him, she will call me back and should have the fertilization report. I am praying for at least 1 to have made it thus far. 

I will post again once I hear back from her.