It's official....

I am pregnant! I can't believe it! The nurse called at about 11:50. I wasn't expecting to hear from them so soon. She said my HCG is 205! Which is pretty high for 14 days after retrieval. Still in shock but thrilled beyond words. Off to the mall to buy baby books!

Nothing a little bacon egg and cheese biscuit can't fix

Oh, and a hash brown too. I never eat that stuff but I do give into any food whim when I am stressed. The beta draw went fine this morning. But it is waiting for the call that gets to me. I will update after the call comes in.

yummy pizza....

So I treated myself to my favorite pizza today for lunch. Well, less than 2 hours later, I feel sick. Now this could be:

1. bad pizza
2. my nerves about the beta tomorrow, or
3. maybe our embabies (aka: Peanut Butter & Jelly) don't like my favorite pizza.

I am soooo hoping the answer is 3. Although, not sure how I would get through a pregnancy without this pizza. Sal's BBQ chicken pizza - don't knock it 'til you try it! Although I think they are only in the Boston area. Sorry.

2 more days

UGH this waiting is killing me. Being bored at work is not helping at all. I am reconsidering taking a home test at all before the beta. Originally I was going to take one Thursday morning, then I was thinking maybe tomorrow morning. Now, I don't think I will take one at all before the beta results come in. If the beta is positive, I will probably take one everyday until the ultrasound. I just want to see a positive test!

I am still having roller coaster moments. One minute I am sure it worked, the next sure it didn't. Hope and prayer are getting me though and no matter the result, they will continue to get me through. A glass or 2 of wine will also help if the test is negative.

And we're back

Retrieval went very well. We got 12 eggs this time. I as so happy with that. I cried when the doctor told us. Last time we only had 6 eggs. Praise God for this improvement.

There was a bit of trouble with my IV though. The nurse had a lot of trouble finding my vein. She also made the mistake of telling me she was nervous to do it. Not the right thing to share with me because I HATE the IV needles. Once it was in, I just knew something was still wrong. I was in some pain if I moved my arm even a fraction of an inch. Two other nurses came in and they decided to pull it out because it was causing me too much pain that they thought wouldn't subside. They decided to numb my right hand and put the IV in there. It went fine the second time. They sent the receptionist out to get IJ to help me calm down. We waited about 15 minutes and then they wheeled me in and I woke up later in recovery. Home resting now.

Tomorrow I will get my fertilization report. Can't wait to hear how my eggs are doing. Transfer will be Saturday or Sunday.

Hittin' the road

We are leaving for the retrieval in about 10 minutes. My ovaries are angry this morning. Hopefully it is due to so many mature, high quality eggs. I was paranoid that I would ovulate early. Not sure why I was so concerned about it. I think because I stopped the Ganirelix on Monday night. I only took 2 doses. I feel like that wasn't enough but I have to trust the doctors. They know far more about this stuff than I do. My peanut butter and jelly socks are on and I am ready to go. I will report later. Prayers and thoughts much appreciated.

No time for a sore throat

I called the nurse today because my throat was bothering me and I wanted to know if I could take anything or drink a packet of Emergen-C. Glad I called because she said no, all I could take is Tylenol. There are things I could take if I had a cough or congestion though. And, she said absolutely not on the Emergen-C. Too many vitamins. Fortunately, my sore throat isn't so bad and I am hoping it is more of an allergy situation.

While I was on the phone with her, something inside my head said to ask who was doing the retrieval. My usual doctor did the retrieval last time so I figured it would be him. But NO, it is a different doctor in the practice. It is the doctor that did my embryo transfer last time. So at least I have met him before. I am very glad I asked because that would have been the kind of unwelcomed surprise that could throw me off completely. I am not thrilled about this news but, I am trying to be positive about it and think of it as a change from last cycle, maybe he will be a lucky charm. Hoping my doctor does the transfer but he is away at a conference this week. Not sure when he is back.

I just finished drinking a huge bottle of Gatorade. The light purple flavor. I just do not love Gatorade. I will switch to just water now but I know the Gatorade has the electrolytes I need to help with the bloating. And believe me, I feel as big as a house today! I will drink more tomorrow and Friday. If I recall correctly, the worst day of bloating was the day after the retrieval. I should probably buy more Gatorade.

Stop... trigger time!

WOW! I had been waiting all afternoon for the call from the nurse. i walked away from my phone for 5 minutes and, of course, she called while I wasn't there. She left a message with my next steps. Tonight, same dose of Menopur and Ganirelix, tomorrow morning same dose of Gonal-F. But then, tomorrow afternoon, I will get a call telling me when to trigger. Tomorrow night!! So retrieval will be on Thursday. I can't believe this. I was hoping for Friday but Thursday is good -and hopefully it is at least a 3 day transfer. I mean, I know I am making a big deal about this birthday party for Br but I would like to be there. And a 3 day transfer would allow that, a 2 day, no chance I can go.

I can't believe it. I really had it in my head from the beginning of the cycle that the retrieval would be Friday. So I will stim for a total of 9 days. I think last cycle was the same. Not sure. More details tomorrow.

Thrilled!!

My ultra sound this morning went very well. My lining is the same but I have many many more measurable follicles! On the left, I now have 15, 14, 13.5, 14, 9 and 4<10mm. On the right, I have 13, 13, 14.5, 13, 11.5, 14, 9, 11 and 5<10mm. I couldn't believe it! I almost cried I was so thrilled. I went from 14 follicles to 22 follicles in 2 days! And the sizes are pretty good. Very close together with a couple leading the pack. The tech Kathleen, who is by far the best one there, said I am right on the cusp of triggering so it could be today or tomorrow. Amazing. On Saturday, we were thinking I'd need an extra day of shots. Now it seems I might need 1 less day of shots. I can't believe it. My only explanation is the amount of prayers that have been said for me in the past few days is astounding and I know this is the hand of God. I know this doesn't mean I am guaranteed a baby in the end, but I do feel that, no matter what God's will is, I am trusting Him that He knows what is best. I'll update after I hear from the nurse this afternoon.

Not so Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. I don't know if it is the fertility drugs or what but I am pretty miserable today. In the back of my mind, turning 37 and going thru IVF#2 at the same time is weighing on me... big time actually. I am totally depressed about it. Why I didn't take the day off from work is beyond me. I never work on my birthday. Perhaps in my twisted mind I thought work would be a good distraction today. Instead, it is one frustration after another. Boo today. It is rainy.

The t-shirt IJ got me for my birthday that I was soooo excited about, is the wrong size and so I couldn't wear it today (Friday's are "fun t-shirt" day at the office). When I opened it last night I was so upset. I know, it is only a t-shirt, and perhaps I should have been flattered that IJ thinks I wear a smaller size than I actually do, but it was disappointing. My personality is such that I am often disappointed on my birthday and Christmas. It isn't that I don't receive enough, I don't really care about the gifts themselves. It is the thought behind them that matters to me. And I always end up feeling like people don't know me at all. IJ meant well with his gift choices, but the t-shirt thing really threw me. I do think the fertility meds are affecting my mood this round. Last round, I had no issues at all. I was more even keeled and, dare I say, happier when I was on them. But not this time. Everything is setting me off. I have been awful to IJ all week long - and believe me, he doesn't deserve it. I need to be better about catching myself doing it and shutting myself off before I say something stupid.

Quick update

This morning I went in for my blood draw - again I got my favorite phlebotomist. YAY! My face lit up when I saw her. I probably should have been embarrassed. Anyway, draw went fine, ride to work on the other hand, not so fine. Crazy traffic with the rain we have today. People totally forget how to drive when it rains. It is so annoying.

Anyway, I digress.... The nurse called about 1 hour ago with my next set of instructions. Same meds tonight, tomorrow and Saturday morning. Then Saturday morning I go in for another blood draw and an U/S. I am assuming that they will start the Ganerelix shots Saturday night but we'll see. My E2 was 196. I think that is good for day 4 of stims. I will have to do a little googling.

So, more of the same. The excitement comes Saturday when I have the US so i can see how many follicles are growing. Quality over quantity... quality over quantity... that's what we want.

3 days in...

So it is cycle day 4 but day 3 of stim shots. I am THRILLED to report that last nights triple dose Menopur shot went much better than Monday night's. I iced the area while I mixed the medications. And then I iced right after. There was still a bit of blood but no bruise this time. The burning was still there but very minimal. Overall a successful change.

I have 2 more shots before my bloodwork tomorrow morning. I am already starting to feel a bit of bloating and have had a headache for about 24 hours. I looked into the side effects and headache is definitely one of them. And since I am on 225 units per day, I assume this headache will last a few days. It isn't debilitating but it isn't fun either. Staring at a bright computer screen isn't helping much.

On a happy note, my fabric came in today! Not that I can start a project with it yet but at least it is here and I love it even more in person. Whether I turn it into a quilt or a diaper bag, it will be a great project.

One Down, many more to go

Blood work and ultrasound this morning. My favorite phlebotomist did my blood draw and barely left a mark. Yay! The ultrasound was quick. The tech was someone I had never met before. Everything seems to be in order - ovary size is fine, endometrial lining is 5mm, no cyst mentioned. Off to a good start. The only thing that has me concerned is that I only had 6 antral follicles (follicles in the ovaries at the start of a cycle). A low number of antral follicles can indicate low ovarian reserve. 6 is borderline low. Last cycle I had 13. So, I am hoping my body kicks out more follicles with all these meds. I am not sure how I would handle it if this cycle got cancelled. But all I really need is a couple of high quality eggs. And I am praying to that end.

So I spent the day trying to distract myself from the pending shot. I didn't get any quilting done but did buy some backing fabric to finish up a big project. The cashier even gave me a 50% off coupon to use. The nurse called around 2:30ish, while I was trying on shoes (more retail therapy to distract me). All systems go! I jotted down my instructions and headed home. I finished watching the Sex and the City movie (I just love that movie) and tried to relax. I remained fairly tense, just dreading tonight's shot - 3 vials of Menopur.

I prepped my supplies, mixed the meds and tapped the air out of the needle. I inserted it into my belly on the first try - no hesitation at all. Well, I tell you, it burned as much as I thought it would. I pushed the meds as slow as possible but it didn't help. I had to put ice on the injection site for a little while afterward. The site bled a bit and turned black and blue almost immediately. I might try icing before the shot tomorrow night. Tomorrow morning, I will inject the Gonal-F. That is the easy one.

This protocol will continue through Thursday morning when I go for more bloodwork. And we will see what the RE wants the next steps to be. Please follicles - grow, grow, grow!

And away we go...

Cycle day 1 is here. And now it begins. The next 2 weeks will be intense...emotionally draining...scary...painful (from all the bloodwork and shots). But in a little over 4 weeks, the cycle and beta will be done and we will know if it worked. I really am going into this feeling very positive about it. It's going to work this time... Please Lord, I pray it is your will that this time works.

More tomorrow after my blood work and ultrasound results are in.

What's done is done

Finished the birth control pills last night. DONE! I am hoping I NEVER have to take one of them again! The first milestone in this cycle is reached. Next will be the start of my new cycle - probably this weekend - and then baseline U/S and BW early next week. That same evening, I will start my stimulation shots.

A cycle goes from boring to non-stop-action in a matter of minutes it seems. 2 weeks from today, I should be gearing up for my egg retrieval. I'll be all bloaty and miserable feeling. My stomach will be all black and blue. The sharps container will be halfway full. So many things to look forward to. I jest. But no matter how I am feeling, if I end up pregnant after this, I don't care how much discomfort I feel... how tight my clothes are...how much gatorade makes me want to puke. None of it will matter once the end goal is reached.

So here we go IVF#2 - let's do this thing!

Getting ready to begin again

Great weekend. Not so much because I did anything very exciting - mostly quilting and dinner with some friends last night. More because I feel like myself again. Well, myself but better because I am hopeful for this IVF cycle. I tend to be, shall we say negative.... Not sure why, but, I am what I am.

I spoke to my sister on Sunday morning and explained to her my feelings my reaction and we had a good talk about things. Turns out, she was thinking about how this would affect me from the very beginning. IJ and I stopped by her house on the way to dinner with our friends. I was happy that things are resolved.

A girl whose blog I follow has her beta today. She tested on a home test on Friday and got a positive. It was her second IVF cycle, she never made it to transfer on the first one. I am thrilled for her. I keep checking her site to see the beta results. Congrats Emily!

I have 9 more days of pills and hopefully only 2 weeks until I start the stim shots. It is approaching fast and I am very ready to begin this cycle. IJ and I were talking about the timing of the shots and decided that my morning shot will be done at the office at 9am and the evening shots at home at 9pm. This is assuming the shots have to be every 12 hours in order to keep feeding the follicles. I am not thrilled about doing the shots at the office but it makes the most sense as far as 12 hour time frames. Fortunately, the morning shot will be the Gonal-F pen - easily portable, no mixing or measuring. Just swab area and the pen nib with alcohol, put on the needle, dial up the dose and pull out the trigger, pinch the skin and inject. Should take all of 2 minutes. I am not sure if the Ganerelix will be morning or night but those are easy too because they are pre-filled syringes. So they'd be fine to do at the office as well. mini pharmacy in the beer fridge I guess.

Needles, needles and more needles

Seems I just can't get enough of needles lately. Yesterday i met with a new acupuncturist who specializes in fertility and came highly recommended by my RE. I was seeing a fantastic acupuncturist for a while in the spring/early summer but then she was on vacation when I really needed the treatments the most (during the ER/ET timing). So, this being the "pull out all the stops" cycle, I decided to spend the extra $$ and go with Jose.

We had a great consult and I left feeling really positive about the whole thing. I am booked, and have paid for appointments 2x/week for the next 4 weeks - right up until the retrieval. Then after the transfer, I will continue 2x per week until the beta test. I have prepaid up through one visit after the transfer. I am really hoping this helps with the stress of the whole process.

So after Tuesday night's news, and spending Wednesday in a very dark place, I am feeling back to myself since yesterday morning. I have actually been in a better mood than I have been all week. Even though my sister doesn't know how the news affected me, I have been feeling like I should talk to her about it. The problem is, we have never been that close, and all 3 of us have some self-esteem issues due to some choices our father made when we were younger (and even still if I am honest about it). I am concerned that she will take it badly if I try to explain how I felt. And if I talk about how I don't feel like she even wants to understand what I am going through. Or that her support would be very helpful to me. Or that I want to be closer to her. You see, she has the middle child mentality of "why can't everyone just get along?".

As my mom pointed out when I spoke with her Wednesday night, I had always said that I would rather have someone hurt me with the truth, than to hide something from me or lie to me about something. And Je calling to tell me about the pregnancy, I am sure, was difficult for her. But, she did it. She did before there was any chance I would hear it from someone other than her. And I really am thankful for that. I think the first time I see her face to face will be tough. And if my IVF fails I am not sure I will want to see her for a while. But no matter what, she is my sister and that baby is my nephew or niece. And regardless of my own hurt or happiness, their health and happiness is vitally important to me.

They're here!!!

My meds are here. Another giant box of drugs. It was a lot messier when I opened the box.

Total cost to me $113. Yup, nuts right? I can't begin to express how truly blessed I am to have such amazing insurance coverage. I know I repeat that often but it is really amazing. 

Today is only day 6 of the pills so I am looking at another 15 days of pills and then 3-4 days before the IVF cycle starts. I'll just organize this stuff and store it in the closet for a few weeks until needed. I am sure the time will pass quickly. IVF#2 here we come!

edited to add: I just made an appointment with a new acupuncturist. Right down the street from the fertility clinic. Came highly recommended by my doctor. Will be a bit pricey but we are pulling out all the stops this time. No regrets!

Take 2...

Meds are officially ordered for IVF#2. They will arrive at my office on Tuesday. I didn't even ask the cost. I estimated it to be about $225 for all the co-pays but it is really about $5000 worth of meds. Thank you Blue Cross Blue Shield! Not sure we'd be doing this again if we had to pay out of pocket.

Please visit resolve.org to help get legislation passed so that all people are eligible for IF cost assistance through insurance and/or tax credits. Please use the site to write to your congressman to help get the bill passed.

This cycle, I am going to go extreme on everything. Taking some time off work after the transfer to make sure I rest enough. And I will REST. Last time I got up off the couch and walked around too much. Not this time! I am going to try to do acupuncture 2x per week and schedule it around the retrieval and transfer if possible. I am thinking about avoiding soymilk and any meat with hormones in it. No alcohol once the stim cycle starts, just like last time. I am going to really try to limit my stress as much as I can. I should really get back into yoga. And I will listen to my Circle & Bloom meditations again every day.

I just really want this to work.

The joy of a timeframe

Well, who would have thunk it but as of yesterday, fertilityfriend.com thinks I ovulated on Thursday (cycle day 21). My temperature is very low for post-ovulation temps. I don't even think it really happened but whatever, if it did, I will be starting the pills in just under 2 weeks. So, about 6 weeks until ER. Now this is a timeframe I can wrap my arms around. When I tell myself "only 6 weeks to go" I feel like that isn't really a lot of time. Especially at this time of year where the days seem to fly by.

IJ and I spent the evening watching 9/11 memorial shows on tv. We saw on that was AMAZING! 2 french brothers were following a rookie firefighter for his first 6 months on the job. One of them was IN tower 1 with the firefighters and police officers when tower 2 fell. The footage is incredible and really brought the day to life for me even more than when I had witnessed the events on TV 10 years ago. This company he was with, Engine 7, was called the miracle team because they didn't lose a single officer that day. Amazing.